A Paper a week ...

... that's about what I'm averaging right now. It's not good - it's not bad, but it's not good. Perhaps I'm being too in depth? I dunno'. My last essay (my 2nd) was about 3000 words long ... which seems long.

Perhaps I'm agonizing about these papers too much? It's quite possible ... but they're also quite difficult. I have "thesis" engrained in my brain right now -- "what is my point of vew?" and such. What I thought would be simple reflections on my time in Moscow have morphed into agonizing analyses of aesthetics. Myt fear is that these agonies will be tossed back into my face with a simple "that's not really what we're looking for."

Ugh.

I'm a bit jealous. People I've met at other programs seem to get by with much less effort. I don't know if that is a good thing, or if I'm getting a better education, or if I'm making things more difficult for myself than they need to be. Perhaps I'm making mountains out of molehills?? Who knows.

One thing I am taking away from all of this is practice for my THESIS. That towering piece of writing looms over me in the most terrifying manner. I'm scared I'll either not be up to par, or bailout completely.

Bailing has been on my mind a lot recently. Everything seems rather futile. I'm paying upwards of 100k for a degree that will yield a minimum return financially. Beyond that, I'm not sure if my judgement is of any value at all. I've had a few playwrights I've met solicit me for opinions and ideas, which makes me feel appreciated and perhaps I'm on the right track? Who knows ...

all I know is that I'm tired. Thoughts of alternative careers are already whirling around my brain, careers that don't suck up my free time and that pay me decent money. Careers like my old secretary's gig in NYC. I had a life then ... now, I only have aspirations.