Dear Russia

I have noticed that you are lacking in a certain wonder of the Western world. I understand that you have suffered through 70+ years of withdrawing and isolating yourself from us Yanks, Brits, and Francs; however, do yourself a favor: listen to me.

There is an amazing device that we have perfected in the West. It is a small clear box that does the most amazing thing -- it cools things. We call them ice cubes. Said cubes are easily made in ice cube trays. Don't panic, dear Russia, you have the raw materials to make these trays, and it is not very hard.

You see, I know that it is cold here. Brrrr! But sometimes, even in cold weather, it is nice to have a cold drink. Call me crazy, but layers upon layers of dead animal skins can make a body warm! So, cool drinks are often a nice way to relax -- especially on hot days.

I know, I know - you all drink warm drinks to stay cool. It raises your body temperatures and helps facilitate sweating -- the natural refresher. Yes, I agree. But you also have to understand that our body's temperature isn't meant to get too warm (which is why we sweat), because if it did our brains would melt. Well, maybe not melt, but they would be damaged in a way that would make us soporific and perpetually dull. We don't want that, do we? No, of course not.

Now I tried buying these amazing little ice cube trays, but, alas, none of your stores seem to carry them -- NONE OF THEM. And, dear me, this is rather frustrating. I mean, dear Russia, have you savored the delights of a cool bourbon on the rocks? Or an iced tea? Delicious - but impossible to make without the proper supplies -- and by proper supplies I mean ice cubes because everything else needed for said beverages is readily available. Except for ice cubes.

Now, you have ice a plenty here in the winter, I know! I've seen it! And, I've heard tales of how there are no cold drinks here because its ususally so cold that if you want ice in your drink, you just step outside. Within five minutes, you'll have a popsicle and nasty case of frost bite! Viola! How droll. But, for the sake of international relations; for the true attainment of Glastnost and Perestroika; for the full spectrum of tasty delights that liquids can offer, I beg of you, dear Russia, hear me! Give your people ice cubes!!!